Three Dreaded Words

Cancer is back- #thisisnotfakenews, #Iwishitwere, #canscersucks

The three most awful words in my life right now and you know why?

After Fainting, Before Hospitalization, A make shift bed!

1. The sense of disappointment is crushing.
2. We are running out options.  
3. Abandoning chemo means that we have exhausted all normal protocols.

Yes, for a few short weeks we had a glorious time thinking that remission was on and all was moving in the right direction.  But then tree things happened:

1. P-M got a fever.
2. When I brought him into the hospital, he fainted.
3. While in the hospital his stomach started to hurt and a scan showed that the cancer had returned to his abdomen.

My reaction to this was three fold:

1. Anger  (You can't have my husband)
2. Sadness (I want my husband back)
3. Fear (Please don't take my husband)

P-M's reaction to this happened to be (quite French):

1. Disappointment (merde)
2. Delirium (les ouefs est dans ma classe- post ICU visit)
3. Stoicism (qu'est que sais la vie? La vie est le peste!)

Three things you should know about P-M's cancer:

1. It is rare, so there is not a lot of information on how to fight it.
2. It is chemo resistant which means that the three different regimens of chemo have not worked.
3. It is incredibly aggressive and  while we have seen the horizons and islands of remission, it has not been durable. 

So we are back in the hospital and three things have happened:

1. P-M has C- Diff, a n infection of the colon.
2. He has developed a cough.  A cough that was so irritating the doctors tried to medicate him to get it to stop.  He had a bad reaction that left him unresponsive.
3. We had A CODE BLUE to revive him and a night in the ICU.

This is what you wear when
your husband has C Diff

As I sit here and write, three plans are in place:

1. The pulmonologist is monitoring his breathing and the coughing and is waiting for cultures to come back from a liquid draw from his lungs.
2. Our oncologist is prepping to begin the immunotherapy infusion on Friday
3. Our hospitalist is keeping an eye on his grogginess and odd banter....I mean odder than usual.

I've learned three things from these few days:

Back from ICU

1. Standing in the hallway, as you watch doctors run to your husbands room with a "Code Blue" warning echoing on the loud speaker is an out of body experience that I hope no one I know ever has to experience.
2. It is difficult to be positive when the outcome is so very unknown.
3. Even when you think there are no more tears, some find their way out.  

I know that you want me to write three things:

1. Everything is going to be ok.
2. We are going to kick this thing.
3. This is just a blip

And to that I say:

1. I hope so
2. I believe so
3. I know so

Three is magical number in many cultures and religions:

1. Three is the number of time:  Past, Present, Future
2. Three is the first number that creates a geometric figure.
3. Three is number of Good Fortune.....

And we really need some good fortune to shine on us!