Observations from 5A....

We are back in the hospital.  We are on the 5th floor, A Building.  We missed our nurses.

Well we didn't actually, though they are lovely, P-M's stupid cancer cells are as stubborn as he is and they did not respond to the first round of chemo.  So we have to start a second, more aggressive regimen that will hopefully be more successful at attacking the lymphoma.

In the meantime, we have lots of time to think, chat, sit, sleep, and observe.....observe things like this:

• It is true that there is an alarming number of doctors who are Indians.  It's like my people have joined together to cure my guy.  

• We have two doctors.  Dr. El- Shami and Dr. Lari.  Dr. El-Shami is our oncologist.  He's awesome.   He calls me Natasha and Pierre-Marie, Mr. Lasseron.  I don't know why, but he does.  I make him hug me and he does.  Dr. Lari is Pakistani. But I don't think he's ever been there.  He has a girlfriend, really curly hair, rides a motorcycle and reminds me of a very special man who lives in the Nilgris.  I have decided to knit everyone scarves and hats.  And I told Dr. El-Shami that I am adopting him into our family.  He didn't seem to balk at that. 

• Time in hospitals is a weird thing.  I usually get here for rounds in the morning at about 8:30 and leave once P-M is settled for the night.  Those days feel like they fly by.  And yet, they are the longest days of my life.  I have no idea what day of the week it is and no sense of what I do all day, but I am busy and everyday feels like a Monday.

• There are other families on the floor that you begin to recognize. You eye each other as fellow comrades in arms but don't get too close.  A woman in room 504 is named Mumtaz.  I see her family in the family waiting room.  They remind me of my family.  Indian and loud.

• I will never eat at Au Bon Pain again.  Ever.  In a million years.  It is the only shop here.  We eat there often.  Clam chowder, chicken noodle, avocado BlT, the good egg.....never again.  I mean never again after we kick this cancer. 

• My heart has never hurt as much as it did watching P-M in pain.  Breathing through his mouth and hoping it will pass.  Twisting and turning on his bed looking for a position that he feels comfortable in.  Hands gripped on the side of his bed.  The cancer is breaking his body.  His pain is breaking m heart.  

• Dilaudid is great.  Medicine is great.  Chemo can be magical when it works and a fickle friend when it doesn't.

• P-M had his first big breakdown. He had a spinal tap that was very painful.  When he came back I could see that he was tender and fragile.  He cried, I cried, I held him and whispered that we were going to be ok.  That he was going to be ok.  ...we were our own Hallmark movie.  Maya, who happened to be visiting, was trapped in the corner....Poor girl.  

Chemo 2.0

• I have never had more appreciation or admiration for nurses.  They do some terribly icky things with much grace, care and empathy.  We have had a few interesting run ins with some of our care takers.  The "Over Sharer" who lets us know about her dates.  The "Demander" who insists on having everything done their way without discussion or explanation.  But more than anything we have had the "Empathizer" who makes sure that P-M and I are ok.  The "Reassurer" who makes sure that we have all we need.  The Nurses of 5A are amazing and keep us grounded and taken care of. 

• I think the robes are really ugly.  Someone should make softer and more attractive ones.  I think I would make them in a variety of warm neutrals.  There are socks too.  That have treads on them. They come in yellow, green and blue.  The are the better f the two, and yet, they lack imagination.

You know that song "What a Difference a Day Makes".  Well with cancer it is so true.

• Tuesday - We came in to start Chemo.  Dr. El-Shami did not like the fact that his stomach was distended and he was short of breath.  

• Wednesday-  He had a spinal tap and one lung drained.  His pain was severe and the emotional weight of it all was heavy.  He cried and I cried. 

• Thursday- More pain killers, more draining, more pain.

• Friday- More pain killers, chest tubes inserted on either side, more pain.

• Saturday- We went for a walk.  He ate a yogurt.  And drank an apple juice.  A small victory...a huge step....